Lesson learned. Again.

Exactly one year ago, I was a giant, round mess. I had awful heartburn and a pinched nerve that caused alternating bouts of numbness and shocking pain in my left arm. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. But I asked for it. Boy, did I ask for it. Fortunately, it would only last for five more days. Then Beatrice Gail was born and all was good in my world.


When people notice the age difference between Edy and Bea, they ask if she was a "surprise." I'm not sure how to answer that question honestly. Yes and no. That's the truth.


I always wanted three children. I came from four, a nice even number, but my mom started much younger. She had me, her last, at the same age I had my first. Plus I like odd things. Something about three seemed right. For me at least.


One and two came about with hardly an effort. "I'd like to have a winter baby. It will give me some time to bounce back before bathing suit season." Lu was born in January. "Let's wait until Lu turns two before trying for another." Edy was born ten months after Lu's second birthday.


So again, without questioning our inevitable success, we decided to try for #3. It was spring 2006 and Gail's disease was progressing fast. In a very sad case of history repeating itself, I thought a baby would be something positive for the family. Gail had the same thought when our mother was very sick. Before passing away, my mom knew Gail was pregnant, but she never met the twins.


I got pregnant the first month, but it was clear something was wrong. We had just moved to Philadelphia and I didn't have a relationship with a local doctor, so I drove down to Baltimore for care. I found out it was ectopic as Gail found out she had little time. Honestly, I was more devastated about the inconvenience than the lost baby. It was so surreal to sit among cancer patients and get a shot of chemotherapy (the treatment for an ectopic pregnancy) while my sister was dying of cancer in another city. I cried, a lot, as the nurse consoled me with the upbeat message that we could always try again.


For many weeks following the shot, I needed to be monitored - locally, luckily - to make sure the treatment worked. I was getting in my car after my last blood draw when I got the call that Gail had died.


In my grief, we waited a year before even thinking about #3. It wasn't such a breeze this time. Seven months later, I suffered another ectopic. Before heading into emergency surgery, my doctor sent me to the office of a fertility specialist who had sensitive ultrasound equipment. His parting words, "Come back. I will help you."


So I did. Because I wasn't getting any younger. And because I only had one tube. And because we had excellent fertility insurance, which I soon learned wasn't nearly always the case. On more than one visit to the clinic, I waited to check out behind someone putting a few thousand dollars on a credit card. All for a dream not at all guaranteed.


Several years of escalating procedures culminated in three failed IVF attempts. The frustrated doctor explained that for some women fertility slowly wanes. For others, it plummets. I guess I was the plummeting kind.


We were out of insurance money anyway and I wasn't about to compromise the future of my currently thriving and happy children to chase the elusive specter of #3. I said goodbye to the clinic and started to train for my first half marathon. Time to reclaim my body, my energy. Time to be grateful for all I have.


I didn't think I needed another lesson on how precious life is, but this was a big one. I will forever be changed after witnessing, and experiencing to some degree, the lonely and shameful heartbreak of infertility. I was already a mother. There wasn't so much on the line, but it still hurt like crazy.


And this is where I became the person someone knows who knows someone who experienced a miracle. We gave up and then we got pregnant. And the gift of Bea was not only the baby birthed, but the new perspective gained. I wouldn't want to do it again, but I'm glad it's part of my experience here on earth.


This week your question is: What major life events have you faced and what lessons did you learn?